Why Is It Always Me?! (II)

Another thought on that last Sunday Night Journal

I couldn't have seen those children as I did, they wouldn't have appeared to me as they did or had the same significance, if I hadn't brought my long life and experiences good and bad to it. And they couldn't have seen each other or themselves as I did. My experience and knowledge were an important part of what made the sight so beautiful and so rich. Life does make us larger, allows us to comprehend more, in both senses of the word. Though it comes at a great cost, we don't generally want to go back to a lesser condition. We are growing toward something. And so I shouldn't wish that the children be frozen in time; they must grow, too, as painful as it may be.


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I like that “growing toward something.” This post and your earlier one reminded me of a problem I’ve always had, which is that I can’t bear to look at old photos of family and friends. It just fills me with great sadness. Anyway, that thought of life’s experience and knowledge making something more beautiful and rich helps. Thank you.

I don't know how old you are, Marianne, but my children are all grown, and sometimes I have dreams of them when they were little and I wake up almost unbearably sad. Still, I always think that it's good for us that we can't see those people like that again, or go back to many of the places we loved because, if they were here, we would never be able to stand to leave.


I have the same problem with pictures, especially of my children. It's more complicated than time and change alone, but those are a big part of it. We never had a video recorder, but my father did, and he did a lot of recording at family gatherings. I have a tape which is a compilation of those that he put together before he died, which is now more than ten years ago. I've never watched it. I've promised to be transferring it to dvd so I'm going to have to face it.

Anyway, glad that was helpful, Marianne. It is to me. Janet, you're probably right that that door *must* remain closed for now. Maybe not forever...

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